I am con-fused. That is I have fused two conflicting ideas, not confused in the more common sense of the word. Long term readers of my blog know that I have often expressed doubt that I pursued our mutually genetic baby long enough. A five minute search of my blog and I found six posts (here, here, here, here, here and most recently here). I know I must mention it a dozen more times. It is seriously pathetic.
Now I am contemplating one last "one last chance" with my eggs when I said I wouldn't. Here is the con-fusing part: When I imagined going down that path, transferring all my embryos and the DE embryo, I imagined having one healthy baby growing. In the next split second of space where it is pure "gut feeling" and no logic I felt, "I hope it is LB's full sibling that makes it."
Yes, I want to try again with my eggs, I want one to implant and make a baby, and I want it to be the DE embryo.
Confused?
Upon closer introspection I think it plays out something like this:
- I want to prove to myself and the world that I am not broken and I can reproduce
- I want to continue in the cells of the human race
- I want to see myself in another and, ideally, a fusing of 'the love of my life' and myself in another
- I am hoping it will help me let go of some of my lingering doubts
And
- I want to give LB a fully genetic sibling. I grew up with three sisters very much like me in appearance and personality which I would like to recreate that for LB.
- It could potentially cause complications if we had one mutually genetic kid and one DE kid
- The more I see of LB's personality and the more we interact, the more I see her as being made up of her genes, not the sum of others genes.
- Most importantly: LB is a healthy, happy, amazing and remarkable kid whom I completely adore. Why wouldn't I want another one
just likevery similar to her?
It's funny, but before I embarked on our DE journey, I asked some DE moms about what they thought about walking away from the possibility of their genetic offspring. Some said that they still haven't given up and were planning or thinking about cycling again with their eggs. I thought it showed weakness of character. Maybe it does.
11 comments:
Kami, it really is so confusing, isn't it?
You might be right that it's about proving that you're not "broken."
I think, for me, given I have no issue with having lost the opportunity to parent a genetically related child, I accepted that I was broken the instant my FSH was 12.8 and my resting follicle count was so low.
But listen to this craziness, if I won 10M tomorrow, I would call CCRM, cancel the DE cycle and insist on a cycle with my own eggs. Yeah, how does that get 'cha for a girl who doesn't care?
Ultimately, it's innate to want YOUR genetic child in your belly and beyond.
Yet I'm still tickled pink for my upcoming cycle.
Who knows?! :)
So if you did the mixed cycle with the DE and your own too, would you later do genetic testing to find out which egg made it through?
I don't think it shows weakness of character, more than it shows the relentlessness of hope.
I know logically that my health is not great, and life without my pain meds is miserable. Yet I still hornswaggled Mr S into unprotected sex while ovulating this month, and had to go cold-turkey off my meds, am writhing in agony, and am still hoping we hit that 3-4% chance of pregnancy.
Maybe it is weakness of character....but let's just call it hope springing eternal...
I have one child with my genes and one with some donated material. Both have my husband's genetic material. If the situation is likely to require explaining and reassuring later, and may -- depending on the kids' personalities -- cause trouble, it is absolutely clear in my mind that both are my children and one is not more loved or differently loved because of their genetic makeup. I think you too could overcome that one concern.
But it also sounds that it would be a good thing to try again with your eggs, in the hopes that it would answer some questions. If it didn't work, it might be easier for you to accept that; if it did work, I think you would learn that number 2 was not a closer child than LB.
The only think to remember is that trying won't answer all the questions. You may still think, should I have tried with my own eggs earlier? And is it better to have the (illusion of?) hope that it would have worked with your own eggs than the knowledge that it hadn't?
I think it shows a hopefulness too. If it's what you want and you can afford to do it then why not. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
There's a difference between weakness and flexibility. I think that your feelings make sense given your situation. Now you just have to sort them out and move forward. Not easy, I realize!
Good luck figuring out what to do.
Have you ever heard of a woman who goes through fertility treatments and then wants an abortion because she just want to prove she was fertile? Thought is just happened on "in Treatment", well it at least happened in a book I'm reading about therapy with infertile women. So...why did I put that out there? To say taht our desire to know our own fecundity and our desire for actual humans can often be separate from one antother, yet, we can only know one and the other through the same process. So, I'm confused, and yet I get it.
What is your FSH level? Maybe there is still some serious hope for your eggs - but an FET would be a cheaper option anyway, wouldn't it? I have no answers, but I know I was really worried about getting pg with my old nasty eggs. Having the DE made me feel like a subsequent baby would be healthy - obviously that hasn't worked for me yet though!
Weakness of character I think not.
Thank you, everyone, for your understanding!
Sky - I hear you! Part of our brain is saying "move on!" and part wants to just see what happens, because it might just work.
Jill - I think we would test, but not sure when. I imagine two scenarios - one where we test so the child grows up knowing and the other where we let the child know how s/he was conceived and let the child decide if s/he wanted to test. Not that it would work with my eggs, but those are my thoughts.
Anonymous - Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I think it wouldn't matter how I feel about the child, but I wonder if the children would care. It is nice to hear your insight.
It really shows the power of the primal urge to pass on the genes...I know since the urge had the upper hand in my life for way, way, way, too long. You've got to do what you need to do in order to find peace.
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