Saturday, July 4, 2009

A strange kind of limbo

This is new for me. I don't ever remember in our 40 or so cycles (from trying on our own through IUI and IVF) ever wanting to not POAS. Occasionally I get the urge, but then I realize I don't really want to know any more than I already to that it will be a bust this cycle.

I tested with FMU at 11 dpo. That was Thursday and it was a BFN. I think it is likely, although not certain, if this cycle was going to work we would have had a positive then. My gut feeling is also telling me that there is not a chance I am pregnant. I am as certain I am not pregnant this time as I was certain I was pregnant after with our third IVF. Of course, I was wrong then.

It is that tiny bit of hope that is keeping away from the HPT's. It is nice to still have a little bit of hope. If it weren't for the PIO shots, I wouldn't even go in for the beta tomorrow. I would just wait until AF showed. That is another luxury not allowed the infertile.

I am bummed, but not terribly so. As I keep saying, we have a delightful child we get to raise. I don't feel the desperation I felt before LB. Still, it would have been nice to get pregnant easily for a change. It would have been nice to not be contemplating adding another $25,000 or so to our debt which, besides the house, is the remaining debt from our first 5 IVF cycles.

Oh, that sounds so "poor me". It isn't meant to. We can still choose to call it good and not try for a sibling. We had some fun dreaming and shopping for a larger house if this cycle had worked. It was nice to be PUPO for a bit. Besides, it's summer.

Emphasis added by DH.


Sky said...

Kami, I know what you mean about wanting to preserve hope. In some twisted way, I guess, that's why I test so damned early. Intellectually, I know there is no way I would see two lines on 2dp5dt, but I like to not only see the negative and get used to that feeling 'cause I would feel the let-down on beta day much easier with that in my pocket but as the days pass, it's always been harder to then test because a negative can squash the hope and who needs that?

If nothing else, some hope for a while feels good - and you just never know. Onwards and sideways had a negative the day before beta - yikes! and still came up with a positive beta so I'm never quite so sure anymore.

Best of luck to you tomorrow - whether this round or the one to follow.

Jill said...

FWIW, on my two BFP's, I was completely surprised and convinced it would be negative. In fact, you might remember for the first one I only found out b/c I went in for CD3 blood work to start up the next cycle.

Crossing fingers for you!

MrsSpock said...

I hope that gut feeling is wrong. I know I spent an entire week crying and refusing to pee on sticks when I was pregnant with J, since I felt my body was just mocking me.

Sky said...

Just saw your comment on my blog regarding the Dollar Store tests. Okay, I know some folks have had success with these but both last year and this year when I was getting two lines on FRER and The Answer, I have gotten whitey-white-white sticks on the Dollar Store ones. I don't care what they saw about their sensitivity, I'm just not buying it.

I mean, you saw it for yourself on my site. Ugh!

LB's little brother or sister is out there - whether this cycle or next, that little spirit is out there!

battynurse said...

Thinking of you and still hoping that your gut feeling is wrong. Hugs to you.

Miss Conception said...

I truly hope that your gut feeling is wrong, but I completely understanding the need to prepare yourself. The process is so difficult.