Previous Post

It seems my previous post came across as negative which I didn't intend. I was very tired when I wrote it, but not feeling down. I am hoping to redirect a bit.

I am very happy to be a mom and so thankful I get to experience it. It is a role I am very happy in. I also need to figure out how to not lose track of the other things I like to do.

I thought before we had LB that nothing else would compare. I thought that a dead end job would no longer matter. I also thought that I would maintain my hobbies - just add a kid or two to the mix.

What I have learned is that I still want to have that contributing role. I don't think it needs to be a formal, paying job; but I think there needs to be something like it in my life. It also needs to be something I feel is worthwhile not just something I am doing. My job isn't all bad, but it isn't going anywhere and it doesn't have as much flexibility as I like. I am on the fence about what to do about it and am happy to maintain status quo for a bit until I decide.

I have also found that maintaining my hobbies and my relationship with DH isn't as easy as I thought it would be. We co-sleep with LB which is important to me but that means I don't sleep next to Brad - she sleeps between us. I am thinking it is time to move LB to a toddler bed. We will either do that - starting with her bed next to ours - or move to a king size bed and figure both kids (assuming this pregnancy works out) will move out into a shared room in about a year. I am also hoping that LBII will be a better sleeper than LB. This may not be related, but neither Brad nor LB's donor need much sleep. I do. Perhaps she is just programmed to only need 10 -11 hours a day. The girl only sleeps 9.5 hours per night (and naps between 1 and 2 during the day while I am normally working). I need about 8.5 but more if I am waking up to check on her or not sleeping well due to pregnancy hormones and aches.

The other thing is not all my hobbies are as baby / kid friendly as I thought. I used to bike a lot. I thought I would just get a trailer and continue as usual. Then I discovered how much I like to let my mind wander while biking a local bike trail. It is a trail isolated from traffic and very safe to not really pay attention to my surroundings. Unless I have a kid behind me then I am always thinking about her contentment and safety. No more mindless riding. On top of that, she would get bored about 1/2 to where ever I thought I was going and wasn't too keen on getting back in the trailer with only a 30 minute or hour break. I am crossing my fingers LB and LBII might keep each other entertained a bit. I will keep trying.

Another thing I used to enjoy a lot was baking bread. I stopped in the last few years because wheat wasn't supposed to be good for TTC if you followed Traditional Chinese Medicine. Since LB I haven't been in a position to easily have sticky fingers for 30 minutes at time. The vast majority of the time she naps while I am working and if she isn't napping, she doesn't normally entertain herself for that long - although this is changing. Well, thanks to my wonderful DH I now have a shiny red Kitchen Aid. I have wanted one for over 12 years but thought I would get one when we got a bigger house. We have made accommodations and made some space for Lady Red (or whatever I end up calling her) and I am baking again. I miss the kneading part, but if time or LB allows, I finish up the kneading by hand and there is always the shaping and baking.

So it is an adjustment and I am still learning to set boundaries that protect my own happiness while maximizing my commitment to being a good mom. And by 'good mom' I don't mean someone who has to respond to every little whim of her toddler. It is just something I need practice. I believe when she seems heartbroken because I won't nurse her she is heartbroken not just manipulative. But heartbreak happens and I refuse to be a giving tree.

I am confident I will figure it out and continue to enjoy the time as it is. I am actually pretty proud of how much I am appreciating and enjoy toddlerhood even though I am quite tired many days and somewhat tired the rest. I would be very surprised if I looked back on this time with any regrets. Although I don't know I would have made the decision to parent had I known what it would take to get there (and been able to turn off that innate desire to parent), I wouldn't give it up for anything now that I am here.

Highs And Lows

Before I get started on the subject of this post, I would like to beg your forgiveness for a moment of thoughtlessness in my previous post. I don't know how I did it, but I stupidly asked for peoples opinions about posting child pics from those with blogs and kid(s). Effectively telling those people who are still trying for number one that 'you couldn't possibly have an opinion since you haven't actually experienced parenthood yet.' Of course you would and I welcome your thoughts on the matter. I feel awful and I am also sorry that it took me so long to apologize. I woke up in the middle of the night and realized my arrogance not two days after I posted it. In the future, please feel free - no, I encourage you - to point out when I am being insensitive to those on the IF journey.


I swear I have all these ideas about blog posts in the middle of the night and here I am with a rare occasion to blog and I can't think of anything pertinent to say. How about some random highs/lows of parenting?

No?

Well, this isn't really a conversation, is it? My apologies for complaining about being pregnant and parenting. It is the truth the way I see it right now. In a way, it is also my answer to people who try to coerce others into having kids. It is wonderful, but it is not without it's trade-offs. While I believe choosing to live childfree / childless after infertility is the hardest path to take (how do you turn off that desire to parent?), there is also a reason why studies show again and again that those without children are happier than those with children.

High: I am sure there is at least several times each day when I am delighted to watch LB learn and grow. Tonight I put LB to bed early. She has been teething and/or had a bit of tummy trouble and she hardly napped today. She fought it as she usually does, but it all fell apart when her stuffed duck told me she wanted to go night-night so I laid her down on her side. LB cried the cry of the heartbroken, but it was cute at the same time. I don't know if she was sad because the duck went to sleep when she wanted to play or it was a clear indication it was indeed nighttime. Either way, it was an insight into her world. After I assured her that the duck would get up with her in the morning, she quickly fell asleep.

Low: I got back out of bed at the late, late hour of 7:30. This is a rare treat - normally I go to bed with her closer to nine o'clock. How wonderful to have some quiet time to myself. I decided I would start a crochet project for which I bought the yarn somewhere around 2 years ago. I gathered everything up (and imagined blogging about it for Perfect Moment Monday) and decided I was way too tired to follow directions never mind get my tired eyes to focus. I have not been well rested since late in my pregnancy with LB - not even a day. Just as she started sleeping pretty well, this pregnancy has been taking it's toll. Some nights I am just wide awake and I don't know why. I am hoping I will get some much needed sleep in a year or two.

High: Oh my god, I can't come up with another 'high'. That tells you how tired I am, I guess. I like being a mom, I really do. What do I like about it? . . . . I like getting hugs and kisses from LB. I like that she comes to me when she needs comfort or reassurance. I am not auntie or second best. I like being the one.

Low: Who am I? I find that my day is often a day of doing: Make breakfast, tidy house, take a shower, work, tidy house, make dinner - all interspersed with playtime. What happened to my hobbies? What happened to that feeling of self I think I used to have? I know I am the adult here and can set expectations and make time for myself. I am always working on doing that better, but it is hard for me. After waiting so long for LB, I find I want to give and give and give. My job isn't satisfying and I entertain the idea of quitting, but then I wonder if I would disappear all together.

High: Our morning ritual: Ready or not (usually not) LB wakes up and is ready to eat! Sometimes I can nurse her back to sleep for a blessed 30 - 45 minutes, but usually she signs "eat" with vigor. Stalling, I ask, "Are you hungry?" "Yeah." "What do you want?" "Banananana." "How about some cereal?" "Yeah!" "With banana?" "Yeah!" Then she climbs on the momma-express and we get a small bowl of cold cereal and sit on a stool (LB on my lap) and watch the sun come up while we eat. It is a good, peaceful, if sleepy time for me. Soon we will be playing with toys or taking a shower or tidying house until it is time for a more nutritious 'second breakfast'. Yes, we also often have elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner and supper.

Low: Husband? What husband? OH! You mean the daddy! Even though Brad and I have a standing date night and so get at least 2 hours / week together to be a couple, so much of our time is spent parenting LB. I can spend all day with my poor hubby and still miss him at the end of the day. Where is our friendly banter? Didn't we used to have sex? At least cuddle? Ok, it isn't that bad - well, the lack of sex is, but we find times to connect intellectually throughout the day. Still, it isn't like it used to be. I suspect it is just one of those trade-offs. I think as we move out of the toddler stage, we will have more time to simply be together and less of, "Isn't it your turn to take her to the potty?" and "Oh look how cute she is!"

High: Cute factor. Need I say more?

High and Low: Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! It isn't a form of address around here, it is command. With limited vocabulary, "Mama!" and some signs/pointing is about all you need to get your point across.

This is great when I notice how well we can communicate with only a few words. It isn't great when I am lacking in patience or feeling . . . micromanaged. LB is getting increasingly demanding and prone to tantrums when she doesn't get her way. I suppose all kids go through this (again and again, I suspect) to see what they can get away with. This is hard for me, as I have said. I hate to see her upset because she wants something and doesn't understand why she doesn't get it or get it immediately. Necessity is teaching me to be strong and to find creative ways of saying "no" (like walking away from a tantrum), thankfully.

High: Emptying the dishwasher. I think this is a 'high' Oh, it is. Given my normal lack of patience the fact that I almost never think "hurry up!" while we unload the dishwasher together must mean it is a good thing. I can be tiring though. The dishes are easy - she takes them, hands them to me and I put them a way. The silverware (after I have quickly removed all the knives) is more of a process. She will get a spoon or fork, walk over to the silverware drawer, turn her back to me, say "Mama!", I pick her up, she figures out where the particular item goes, and with no small amount of time actually manages to place the item in the correct spot. Put the baby down and repeat.

I will end with a question - What do you do (if you have kids) or imagine you would do (if you are trying for kids) to maintain a balance between your role as mother and your other roles?

Good Morning

Leah keeps telling me I should post more pics.

Here is LB sitting on my knees on our front porch this morning. We just returned from feeding the neighborhood pig some overripe tomatoes. I was thankful for this little girl's hand to hold while we walked down the street, the warmer weather, no snow and not having to work until 10:00 am.



Earlier in the walk. I was trying to take a candid photo with my cell phone, but then she saw it and reached for it.


For the sake of personal motivation, I am going to put out a couple of teasers for future posts:

• Some of the ups and downs of parenting
• Who am I? Now that I am a mother, what happened to my hobbies?
• The day I horrified a fertile with my infertility experience and how much I enjoyed it.
• Learning to say no: LB, that is, not me

Finally a quick question. For those with blogs and kid(s), why do you choose to post or not post pics of your little ones?

The Power Of Genes

I have had a post brewing in my head for weeks if not months on how our genes shape who we are and then today* I read this article about fraternal twin girls separated at birth in China and adopted by separate American families. I recommend reading the article but the summary is that children expressed a desire for a sister as soon as they could talk and connected with each other immediately after meeting for the first time - at age 4.

Is it their shared gestation that makes them long for and bond with each other or is it something rooted in their DNA? Either way, it is interesting for those of us choosing alternate means to parenthood.

The reason I have been thinking about genetics is because of LB's emerging personality. She is a tidy girl. I am her primary care giver and outside of working 20 hours / week and one evening to myself (not regularly, but trying to get there), I am with her. I am not tidy. Brad is and so is her donor. She is so tidy that one of her first words was "back" as in put it where it goes, not necessarily where it was. If she finds a piece of paper on the floor at Costco, she picks it up and says, "Back!" and we throw it away. The cat is on the kitchen counter? "Back!" We get the cat off. I leave a towel on the bed? "Back!" I joke to Brad that she follows me around, picking up after me or at least telling me to pick up after myself.

I believe this is (nearly?) entirely her genetic programming. Certainly she is not modeling her behavior after me. Not a big deal really . . . she could have the exact same tendencies if even if she shared my DNA. But she doesn't and that is the rub.

Perhaps I just will never be one of those people who believes "it just doesn't matter at all!". It matters because my perception is different. When I first saw this emerging, I didn't talk about it. To be honest, I was a bit hurt. While I was enjoying seeing her personality evolve and unfold, I was feeling sorry for myself. Instead of immediately joking sarcastically to Brad, "Oh no! She has your tidiness gene!" it took me several weeks to come to terms with it.

One night I broke down and cried. Not because LB was not like me, which is a thought that sometimes come to mind, but because I was sad when I should be celebrating. It was a turning point on this particular issue and since I have become more relaxed about the whole thing. I joke about it now - sometimes mouthing "O - C - D" to Brad and generally feeling close to how I think I would feel if she had been our mutually genetic child.

I will freely admit that it is a personality flaw that I really wanted my genetic child. I mean really. I continue to feel that loss. Not just the loss for any genetic child (although that too) but that I don't have that connection with LB. It is not something that weighs me down or crosses my mind overly often, but it is there and I am occasionally triggered.

And to offer some balance: I am a mom. I am the mom to the most amazing little girl. I get all the ups and downs of parenting and I am 100% convinced I enjoy it more than many, if not most, parents because of the struggle to get here (I may be biased - I also think LB is the most special kid to be born since the dawn of mankind. Could I be wrong?). Sometimes by the end of the day I am worn out by cuteness. I kid you not. I feel the need to come down emotionally a few notches because I have spent the whole day in a high energy cute-fest: laughs, tickles, new words, hugs, funny sounds, new skills and new adventures.

Which is why I haven't been blogging as often. On top of chasing around a toddler who is tolerant of me cleaning (she helps, of course . . . BACK!) or cooking or other active non-baby centered activities, but not so much when I am at the pc; I struggle with what to write and not to write. The posts that go through my head are usually downers about infertility or oh-my-gosh-guess-what-LB-did-today! gushing posts (which I have pretty much avoided). Neither one seems like a great choice. Nearly everything about infertility is negative and most of my readers know first hand what it is like. Besides Brad, no one cares like I do about the daily life of a particular 17 month old - especially those still ttc #1.

Not a new struggle nor topic for those of us parenting after infertility, but there is my take. I am still planning on keeping this blog and will just see how it goes. Perhaps I should branch out into the rest of my life - like the fact that I read science fiction and would really love to find a new author. If you have a favorite, please share.

*I just realized I started this post 6 days ago so "today" was actually December 4th.

Still Kicking!

I am still here - just having trouble finding the time to blog. LB keeps me busy (and sleepy!) and work has been crazy. Not that I blog while working! No, of course not. Sheesh.

LBII seems to be going strong. I continue to plump up all too fast. Currently debating whether or not to get H1N1 vaccine - have decided each way multiple times. Continue to be more relaxed and expectant this pregnancy. Also still debating to quit my job or not . . . leaning toward not right now, but we will decide during my unpaid leave. Assuming, of course, we get a live baby out of this.

In LB news - she is at such a fun age. She uses more words every day and is constantly exploring. Right now I have a few minutes to blog because she is carefully opening the dog food container, getting a "scoop" (or about 2 tablespoons) and putting it in the dog's bowl. It is driving poor Ender, the dog (currently locked outside), mad with desire.

Bad infertile confession: I caught myself saying something in public I always try to only say in private. It was a lighthearted tone, but still would be offensive, I think, to a fellow infertile. After delightfully chasing LB around a department store, I joked to my mother, "I wish I had a five point harness!" Of course, there are times when I do want to tie her down for a few minutes, but people who don't know me also don't how grateful I am to have the opportunity to chase a little one around. I don't want to forget how something so casual can sting to someone in a different place on the trying to conceive journey.

That's it for now. Hopefully soon I will have a chance to post some of the things I have stirring around in my head. Until then I hope all of those still trying to have a child will find some peace during the difficult holiday season.

Thoughts On My Mind

Just some random bullet points because I haven't updated in a bit and I just don't seem to have much time.

• Work. Ug. It has been overwhelmingly busy and I am feeling burned out. I have been in tears twice this week (thankfully, I work from home). No doubt some of that is hormones. I have as many open issues and my high performing coworkers who work twice the number of hours. I am not providing our customers with the level of support I think is adequate and it stresses me out. I have talked to my manager and we are trying to free up some of my time, but the thought keeps crossing my mind: Should I quit?
  

• Budget / spending wise I can't afford to quit unless we do something more drastic like refinance our house and incorporate those outstanding fertility treatment bills (now on low interest credit cards).

• Healthcare: Why is it the experts who talk about what works and doesn't work in terms of our current healthcare system seem and healthcare systems in general seem to live in a completely different world than our politicians who are charged with fixing the mess? do these people not talk to each other? Sure, politicians have to worry about the financial cost when the big idea people don't - but compare the cost to the Iraq war. Dear politicians: Do what is right not what gets you financial support.

• Eating habits are still poor. I am addicted to my 10:00 am junk food. Yesterday was a wake up call - I am only 10 pounds from where I was when I delivered LB and LBII needs to cook for another 18 weeks. I also got a haircut - 30 minutes looking at my chubby face. Must. Do. Better.
  

• As all parents, I worry about LB's development. With IVF and ICSI and DE I wonder about all the 'unnatural' influences. She doesn't have as many verbal words as I thought she would by now (16.5 months and 5? words). Then I realized she was signing two word sentences like "Where daddy" or "Where phone" or "More cheese". Of course, it really shouldn't matter. She is who she is and I need to remember and live that thought.

• The EC (elimination communication) is going well. She almost always signs when she has to go number 2. She normally doesn't sign when she has to go #1 until she is the middle of going. Still, we offer the potty enough during the day that when we are home she wears panties and no diaper. Sometimes she will refuse the potty and then we have a 'miss' a few minutes later, but I suppose that is all part of the learning process.
  

• We got LB some foam blocks. I find them so relaxing. It is a chance to be peaceful and creative. That is until Babyzilla comes by with a "Woah ho ho!" and knocks them all down. Good times.
  

Not Quite Letting Go

When I made my plan, it never really occurred to me that we would be successful with our FET. It was easy to decide "if it works, I will say good bye to my genetic baby forever". Of course, that was logical too since trying with my own eggs was even more unlikely to work. I knew at some point I really, once and for all, needed to completely let go of having my genetic child.

Oh, but I was excited and hopeful! For the first time in nearly two years I stopped saying (when one of my sisters was making my crazy), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I didn't get to breed." I started saying (with an internal smile), "Here I am, the pick of the litter and I might yet get to breed."

They were good, hopeful times. I put the word out that I was looking for any left over meds to help defray as much of my out of pocket expenses as possible. I got a couple of promises and some in my anxious little hands. I was even excited about cycling alongside Belinda, our donor. We would make it as hopeful, exciting and stress free as possible. Belinda was excited too. It was right, it would work and no one would have to get nailed to anything!* I enjoyed that thought for 39 days.

Then came the positive pregnancy test on the FET.

I was and still am very, very happy it worked. While it would have been nice to try again with my eggs, the most likely outcome is that I wouldn't have had any of my embryos grow into a healthy baby. There were of course no guarantees that a fresh cycle with Belinda's and any potential FET's would have worked for a sibling. I know I am fortunate not only in being successful (so far) but in saving quite of bit of time, money and stress. It is all good.

So why do I still have these in my fridge and why does it make me just a little bit sad every time I see them?


*From Douglass Adam's book So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

Perfect Moment Monday: Best Halloween Ever

Warning - this is a gushing kid post. Please carry on if you are not in the mood.

Sometimes the perfect moment is an ordinary moment you remember to appreciate and be present for. Sometimes the perfect moment is a dream come true.

I give you Halloween 2009:

LB fell asleep in the car just before we expected to go trick or treating. I couldn't wait for her to wake up, but let her sleep until she started to wake up a bit - about 45 minutes later. At the first sign of awareness, I started talking to her and when it was clear she was waking up and not just rolling over to go back to sleep, I scooped her up and started getting her into her customer

I was SO excited. "Oh, LB! Wait until you see what is in store for you! We are going trick or treating!! You are going to be a bee. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!" I went on and on - it was seriously pathetic - to the point that part of me wanted to be cautious - telling myself , "Don't be like your mom - expecting everything to be picture perfect and not enjoy it for what it is."

6:00 pm and we were off! LB dressed up as a bee with antenna on a headband, her little bucket in hand. Brad and I put with sunflower hoods on (get it? Bee? Flowers? tee hee hee). We went to the first house - she kind of got it. Second house - starting to notice a trend. Third house - people talk to me! I get to put stuff in my bucket (she has no idea what candy is)!

Soon she was into the swing of it. Even though she didn't like her headband antenna, she stopped to let us put it back on her before each house. She loved the attention and we soaked up how cute she was - loving every second.

LB continuously reminded us that it is about the journey and not the destination by insisting that she walk between houses like the other kids. Not only walk, but carry her own bucket which was getting increasingly heavy. Soon it bounced on the ground with each step. Brad and I spent about half the time enjoy her independence and about half the time scooping her up and carrying her despite her objections.

Toward the end she was signing "more" between houses. She started knocking on the door herself (not loud enough for anyone to hear her). She loved seeing the other kids who were all super nice and indulgent. One group of young teenage boys tried to get her to give them a high five or a pound. When one succeed he shouted, "I got one!" to the other boys. We trick or treated for an hour and a half and LB showed no signs of slowing down. Fortunately, she also didn't mind when we loaded her up into the car to go to a friend's house.

Oh, the weather was unusually warm too. In short, it was perfect. The next day, Brad and I decided it was the best Halloween either one of us had ever had.

For other people's perfect moments, go see Lori.