Sunday, September 9, 2007

An open letter to Miley's friend

Hi Milie's friend,

I would like to introduce myself. My name is Kami and I am going through fertility hell too. You don't know me and I don't really know you. I don't even know Miley. I'm probably not even spelling her name correctly. You see, I know Miley's sister. Today, Olivia told me about her sister's friend (that's you) and the trouble you are having trying to conceive.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Wonderful! Now my reproductive story is fodder for everyone's casual conversations." There is some truth to that, I suppose, but please don't take offense.

I just want you to know that I am here to listen if you want to talk. I heard your story and my heart just broke for you. I know you have friends who have "been there" and are there to support you, but I understand that maybe that isn't what you need right now. Maybe you need someone who hasn't been successful yet. Maybe you need to talk to someone who may never be successful or if she is, not with her own eggs.

I promise I won't tell you what you ought to do. I promise I will listen. Sometimes I might even say that I understand. Now I know my limits, so I might say some of the following. I might hope that it will help. I might say:

  • It's not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. Sometimes life is just plain unfair and cruel.
  • I know you have worked very hard to have a child. You deserve to have a child. You deserve a child that is the genetic as well as the biological offspring of you and your husband.
  • It is so hard to hear your doctor tell you that your chances are low. I have heard those words and I have thought, "You are wrong! It can't be, not after all we have been through, not after how hard I have worked! Keep trying. Please - maybe you missed something. You must have missed something."
  • And what's up with the 40-somethings who are given a 1% chance, produce one embryo and . . . have a baby?! Why not me?! Why not you?!
  • I don't know why we are given choices we don't want. I wish I could fix it too.
  • I'm sorry.
I gave my number to Olivia and asked her to give it to Miley. Maybe she will pass the number on to you. If you get it, please call. I would love to get together. I suspect I will never hear from you, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.



Fertilize Me said...

aren't you a sweetheart!

Lori said...

What a beautiful letter. I hope it gives comfort to Miley, or whomever else reads it from that deep, dark place.

Pamela Jeanne said...

I'm guessing you'll get more than Miley's friend contacting you. What a kind and sensitive offer to those who need reassurance and support. If only it were more readily available for all involved! Thanks for make the point so eloquently.

Journeywoman said...

If there is anything good about this IF thing that we ride on, is that it turns strangers into sisters.

Well written letter.

SULLY said...

You are a wonderful person! I hope Milley's friend takes your offer of support to heart. Its always so comforting to have a person in RL to reach out too!

mchope said...

It was so sweet of you to do this. It never ceases to amaze me the level of support and comfort that exists between those in the IF boat. At the end of the day, at least we have each other.

Jenna said...

That's really great. Infertiles need each other and it's so gravious of you to extend your hand in friendship.

i'm sure she will take this in the spirit it was given.

Trace said...

A beautiful post. I only wish I knew someone in real life who was pursuing di. Maybe she will be thankful for your offer.

m said...

I know this letter wasn't addressed to me - but it was exactly what I needed to read this morning. Thank you.

Really, really nice post.