Monday, September 3, 2007

Some good thoughts

I followed Mel's Friday Blog Round up to Miss Inconceivability and was inspired to blog some thoughts that came to me from reading this post. She talks about blogging about the negatives more often than the positives. It reminded me that I often do that as well. I might think about blogging after a good day, but I seem to not get around to it. So here is some positive thoughts from earlier in the weekend.

I have, at times, been very excited about this upcoming IVF. I mean VERY excited.

I realized the other day, after talking to a friend who has two babies via donor embryos, that I had a very hard time defending my position that it was a REALLY BIG DEAL that we were moving to donor eggs. I was talking to a woman who would understand where I was coming from, but it still seemed so shallow. As if no one else's genes could possible match my own. Smart enough? Nope! Pretty enough? Nope! That "special something"? Nope!

Keep in mind, I am not going to be winning any Nobel Prizes or beauty contests. I, ahem, do have that "special something" - just ask Brad, he'll tell you (stop him before starts listing my faults please). But everyone has something special and our child (if we are so fortunate to have one) will too.

The conversation continued and while I was trying to back away from "my genes are just the snizzle" my friend said, "Well, you can always try again with your own eggs." My first thought? "Oh, god, I can't go through that again." My heart just sank at the thought of it. I can't keep trying the same thing and expecting different results.

Why, then, was I so sad when I went with Belinda for her physical? Why was it that all I could think about was that we cared about her eggs and not mine? Didn't I already tell myself in this post that I had decided her eggs were my eggs? Maybe, I told myself, it is the reality of the IVF cycle. Maybe it is a control issue . . . needing to let Belinda take the lead, so to speak. Maybe these do play a part, but after talking to my friend about her donor embryo babies, something else occurred to me.

Perhaps, I am lamenting the loss of a genetic connection so that I don't have to face the fact that this might actually work. If I acknowledge that, I might get my hopes up and I desperately, desperately want to avoid more disappointment. I can't emphasize enough how much that scares me sometimes. I mean, if DE doesn't work, what will? Still, that knowledge does change things a bit. I know that I can survive crushing disappointment. I also know that it feels really good to be hopeful and excited. Why not choose hope?

So with that thought I have been quite excited and sometimes even hopeful. When I found out on Friday that our suppression check had been moved up from Thursday to Tuesday, I could barely stand the thought of getting through the weekend. I was on cloud nine all day on Friday. I allowed myself to imagine a positive beta, transitioning to my OB, giving birth, having a baby. I enjoyed our evening out with friends. It felt good to just be alive and together with people I cared about.

I was having such a great time, I didn't bother to tell anyone about it. I hope this post rectifies that a bit.

I did have a bit of a sad morning on Sunday. I was feeling the sadness and grief of losing Ernest, of our failed IVF cycles, of what could have been if things had gone differently. In the end I called Belinda because I knew her excitement of the upcoming cycle would rub off on me - which it did.

So . . . tomorrow is suppression check for both of us. If all looks good, Belinda will start the big drugs on Saturday. I will start estrace and baby aspirin (because of increased risk of preeclampsia with DE). Wish us luck!


Pamela Jeanne said...

"If I acknowledge that, I might get my hopes up and I desperately, desperately want to avoid more disappointment." I am so buying this theory. I think there's a set of defense mechanisms we put in place subconsciously to protect ourselves.

I'm very excited for you, and wish you and Belinda all sorts of goodness!

Kim said...

We've been through so much that I think we try to avoid disappointment at all costs. But what I've learned is that without risks there isn't an outcome to look forward to at all.

Hope tomorrow goes great! Let us know how it goes.

Fertilize Me said...

sending out special blessings to you and belinda tomorrow!

Lori said...

Thinking of you and Belinda in the coming days.

Your whirl of emotions is totally understandable, IMHO.

Can't wait to hear more!

Leah said...

I wish you MORE than good luck. I wish you amazing luck. I'm glad that you are letting optimism seep out here and there, it's got to feel good. I truly will have everything that is crossable crossed for you!

SULLY said...

Vacillation is normal...go back upon your feelings of your own IVF...and I bet they will mimic these.

Once you get YOUR bfp with YOUR baby it won't matter where the eggies came from because then it will be all about YOU.

If you were non chalant about this then I would worry.

RJ said...

You are in such an interesting situation, to have Belinda share in your mission and your joy!!!

Hope tomorrow goes splendidly!! Believe me, I have been through that whole cycle of emotions (though not your tremendous loss). Lately, it has been visualizing Thanksgiving and maybe, just maybe, having something extra to be thankful for this year :).


wifethereof said...

You always say exactly what I am feeling. But you express it so much better than I could.

Good luck tomorrow!

Meg said...

Good luck!!!!!!!!

Foreverhopeful said...

I've felt all those same emotions - moments of excitement and hope of a new cycle. But after all we've been through and the pain of disappointment, its so hard not to feel sad as well. Good luck to you and I'm very excited for you.. !

Jenna said...

I know for me it's not so much about protecting myself as it is about protecting my family and friends. I know that I were to let myself become excited about it and it didn't work, the would feel so hurt for me. Their pain would propotionately increase as my excitement for the cycle had. I think I want to protect them from the disappointment as much as myself.... maybe even more.

Kristen said...

I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and I hope all went well today!

Frenchie said...

Hi there--I just found your blog, so I haven't read through your entire journey yet, but want to say to you, GOOD, No, GREAT LUCK! It's okay to be excited and hopeful. I know it's a scary thought for us Infertiles. But it's okay. I am trying on some hopefulness after a long time in the negativity tank, and it feels good. I know you have been through so much, but this sounds like a whole new, exciting and HOPEFUL episode of your story. Fingers crossed over here for you!