Sunday, September 16, 2007

Some happenings around IVF #5

Thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and well wishes. It helps so much. It has been a nice weekend. I am still not sleeping well at all which has made me a bit of a basket case, but I am surviving and Brad hasn't tried to kill me yet so we are doing ok.

Yesterday Belinda had her appointment. I didn't go with her because I was away on a camping trip. We actually slept in a hotel Friday night. Saturday morning, before heading out for what turned out to be some beautiful day hiking, I called Belinda to see how she was doing and how the appointment went. Our wonderful egg donor is pretty uncomfortable. She is tired and is cramping a lot. I feel so bad for her. I hope it doesn't get much worse. Her appointment went well, however. Dr. R. was unusually chatty, asking her how old she was, how many kids, how old were the kids. Like me, Belinda wasn't sure if he was just making conversation or probing about her fertility. She didn't know how to answer the question about the number of kids she has. Yes, seems easy, but is he asking about her fertility - in which case she has given birth to two - or is he asking about how many kids she has - which is three (she is currently trying to adopt a daughter she has raised since 18 months). She answered two, but then felt guilty about lying.

After getting off the phone with Belinda, the worst case scenarios starting going through my mind. Are her E2 levels dropping? Are her follicles not growing? Is he concerned she that she doesn't have very many? I got myself all worked up to the point that I called my nurse and asked her to check it out for me. Thankfully, she was checking her voice mail so I was able to find out pretty quickly that Dr. R. was just making conversation. I don't exactly feel silly asking - I am very thankful to have the reassurance, but they must think I am crazy. My RE probably believes (correctly) that I am watching and interpreting everything he says like some early Junior High romance. "What do you think Tommy meant when he asked if I liked Algebra?" would be the equivalent.

I am so shameless, I asked him again in person today. Over the last 24 hours, I imagined that he is a bit concerned, but knowing there is nothing to be done about it, he is not letting me know. I figured in person I could read his body language. My conclusion is that he is being honest and he really does believe everything is going fine. Yep, I feel better. For now.

Everything else went pretty well at my appointment too. He said that my lining was good (7.9, I think and he showed me the triple stripe). Then he checked out my ovaries. Since I am not taking Lupron, I do have a beautiful follicle growing at 19 mm. I joked that we should just aspirate it and see what happens. Dr. R. pointed out that there is only one, to which I replied, "But it might be the lucky one!" He laughed and asked if we bought lottery tickets. My husband quipped, "Why? Do you think that will help?" Sadly, no, he didn't think aspirating one follicle nor buying lottery tickets would help. I start genirelix (to keep from ovulating) tonight.

One other nice event. Today I ran into a couple whom I recognized from our previous cycle. I said hello, gave my condolences and wished them luck this cycle. They did the same and then they were gone. Why do I let these chances to get to know more IRL infertiles just dissolve? I decided that the next time I made a connection with someone I would get a phone number. Brad and I sat in a fairly full waiting room for about 30 minutes while no one spoke. I looked around the room and tried to figure out with whom I could start a conversation. Gosh, this part is so hard. "So, what brings you here?" "Do you have any kids yet?" "Is this your first time or are you a 4 time loser like me?" Nothing comes to mind even though I know that once a conversation starts it usually flows easily until one of us gets called in. I notice a lady across the way looking toward me. I look away. Was I embarrassed for being a 4 time loser or just not ready at that moment to expose my vulnerability? I don't know. A few minutes later we both look up at the same time. We say a simple "Hi" to each other. The conversation flows. She is from out of town and staying in a motel. I offer to get together. We have each other's phone numbers. We will be getting together tomorrow night for dinner. Yeah!

This has gotten me thinking . . . what if we all made an effort to connect with another individual in our clinics. If it seemed we were compatible at all, we would offer our phone number or email or whatever and make an effort to get together at least once. Even if the connection ended at the end of the cycle, it would be a connection. What if, eventually, it became the culture that people were expected - and happy - to chat and connect and exchange contact information in the RE's waiting rooms across the world? Maybe going in for those monitoring appoints would be just a little bit less stressful because we would feel we were walking into a room full of support instead of into a room full of lonely, anxious people.


Geohde said...

I'm glad that the cycle is going well. :)

It would be nice to talk to others at clinics, except that personally, I'm always so wound up about whether I'm going to recieve good news or bad that I just couldn't make any kind of small talk whatsoever!

I like to turn up at the last second, have my scan and go home to lick my wounds.

Lori said...

I'm still laughing about Tommy, Algebra, and the brilliant pickup line that includes the phrase "4 time loser."

Let us know how dinner goes tomorrow.

m said...

Kami, thanks so much for your sound advice on my blog. I am actually going to share it with hubby (who makes it a point to steer clear of my personal space online). I agree with geohde, while I would love to feel like I was walking into and part of a supportive environment in the RE waiting room - I feel like whenever I am there for an appt, it's all I can do to function normally at the check in desk, let along speak and support my fellow patients. That needs to change. I am glad that you continue to discuss this here.

Kami said...

Believe me, it is not easy for me. I feel inferior and I am so anxious. But I also know that if I got to know one of them - even if she was a newbie - that we would connect in many ways and could perhaps make it a bit easier for both of us.

Trace said...

It sounds like things are falling into place.

I have tried to find support groups and that sort of thing because I too wanted to meet other people (are we the only people in the Philly area doing DI?). I even asked the fertility counselor when we had our appointment and she didn't know of any, but hey, she should think about starting one. Aah, such is life.

Fertilize Me said...

what a lovely place your RE's office sounds like. I wish my was that friendly. Everyone there (including the staff) look like death warmed over. We all look scared and confused and lonely - and then my RE has the Medi weight loss center - which means we have all shapes, sexs and sizes trampling in and out of the office all the time. Your RE sounds extremely caring and I am glad he is chatty and compassionate to you and your cycles.

Leah said...

I'm thrilled that your cycle is going well. Isn't it amazing that in the absence of our own bodies to obsess over during a cycle, we can so easily transfer our incessant worrying to someone else's?

I'm sorry that Belinda is uncomfortable, but hopefully she knows it won't last forever. I imagine that your concert and support helps ease over some of the rough spots for her.

I am wishing, hoping and praying with every fiber of my being that this cycle works for you, my friend. Also, thank you so much for your kind comments. I truly do appreciate the support.

Foreverhopeful said...

I was the same way during my cycle. I interpretted every little thing in a negative way thinking some thing was going to go wrong. Its natural considering everything you've been through. I'm glad everything is going smoothly though.

I think its so brave of you to talk to some one at your clinic. I always wonder about each person what they've been through and what their story is.. BUT I'm too chicken to say anything. Sadly when I was going to my own clinic and I had multiple failures - I felt like a veteran. I actually saw new people every cycle so it was hard feeling like I was the only one going through multiple cycles. I admire your courage and I think its great you made a conncection. Yes, let us know how it goes.

Babe* said...

Sounds like things are working out for you. I hope this is a sign of things to come. Know that you are in my thoughts daily.

Kim said...

Just catching up. Looks like things are going great. I know you must be so anxious and I think the relationship you have with Belinda will last a lifetime. That's a nice connection to have!

Drowned Girl said...

I had to smile at you quizzing your doc.

It all sounds like it's going well.

Good luck! Hugs to Belinda.