Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Kind of a hard day

Yesterday was my first ultrasound and blood work appointment since Belinda started taking stims. It was kind of hard to go for that appointment. As per my usual, I got there late to avoid the wait and the other ladies who, I imagine, will have a baby - their own genetic baby - so much easier than me.

Shortly after I arrived to the nearly empty waiting room, Belinda came out of the scan room. It sounds like everything is going well so far and I enjoyed chatting with her until my name was called.

The interesting thing about my clinic is that they are very efficient when it comes to the morning ultrasounds. The scan room is sandwiched between two other examine rooms. One person goes into room A and gets undressed while someone else is having the ultrasound done. That person exits into room B to get dressed while the lady in room A enters the scan room. You could say it is an unfriendly way to do things, but I appreciate the time I have alone in my own little room.

Yesterday I really needed that time. I was so sad, scared, nervous - and a host of other emotions I don't even know I could describe if I wanted to. I was just trying not to cry. I opened the blinds on the window and let the morning sun soak into me as I contemplated the consequences of just getting dressed and going back home. Would they ask me to come back tomorrow or could I put it off for a few more days? In the end, I decided it would just make me look crazy so I steeled myself and walked into the exam room when they knocked.

I gave my best impression of Happy Kami and said hello to the doctor and the nurse as I settled myself into the stirrups. We exchanged a bit of small talk. The doctor checked out my uterus and said the lining was thin - which it should be at this point in the cycle. Then he said, "Ok, let's take a look at your ovaries." Oh. Do you think they heard my heart break as we looked at all those follicles that will never be aspirated? I closed my eyes and breathed to keep from crying.

Perhaps my RE noticed something because he asked, "How is everything else going?" "Fine," I replied. "How are you sleeping?" Ahh . . . there is a way to discover what "fine" might actually mean. I replied that some days were better than others and that "it has been hard." Then I asked him if he was confident we were doing the right thing. Yes, I was fishing for reassurance. I knew what he would likely say and I just wanted to hear it.

He didn't let me down. He said, "Yes. You can't know how things will turn out, but you can be certain you are doing the right thing." "Nice to hear, " I told him. It was nice to hear. I love that he used the word "certain". On the way out I asked him if he would keep reminding me that we are doing the right thing. He said he would and gave me a warm smile. He even squeezed my arm and told me to take care. Nice. Another bear hug (or at least his equivalent) from Dr. R. Have I mentioned I love the warm fuzzies?

Back in my own room again, I got dressed. Then I sat down and let the tears flow. It felt good to let it all out for a few moments. I was inclined to continue but I realized Belinda might notice that I had been crying and mistakenly think that I was upset about how things were going with her. I washed my face and went back to the waiting room.

Belinda was waiting for me and we chatted on the way out to our cars. She was so excited about things moving along. It was nice to let her enthusiasm wash over me. I feel like someone ought to be excited about this cycle. Ok, Brad is very excited. I guess I am glad that Belinda can be excited in my place. Only fair I guess since she is making the eggs too. Well . . . that is kind of a sad thought . . . I am glad she is excited and I am glad that we have such a wonderful person sharing this part of the journey with us.

Everything on the technical front seems to be moving along. Belinda had her meds upped a bit and when she asked why her nurse said, "You have lots of follicles, but we want them to grow a bit faster." My nurse told me that there were no concerns and "everything looks fine."

The next appointment for Belinda is tomorrow. I don't need to be back until Sunday, but I think I will join Belinda for her appointment. I hate the idea of not going back for five days. I hope it will be less sad.


Foreverhopeful said...

Kami.. thank you so much for your continued support. You are one of the sweetest people and I'm so touched how much you have been there for me. You give and care so much for people. I wish we were friends in real life. I'm so sorry that these appointments are making you sad. I know how hard it is to give up on your own eggs and this whole process is very emotional. Hugs to you and I wish I could some how take away your pain. On the up side, I'm glad you are experiencing this journey with such a great person like Belinda. Doing a known Donor cycle is truly special. Sounds like things are going smoothly. Hang in there and wishing you lots of luck. If you ever need some one to talk to, vent, ask questions or get support, I'm here....! Email me any time as well: foreverhopeful2003@gmail.com

Erin said...

I can only imagine how you feel - kind of left out of the process? But this is just temporary! You will be shouldering the entire load (literally - a baby!) very soon. Just think of this as a rest for your body so it's in perfect shape to handle the next nine months!

Sending you so much good luck!!!!!

Lori said...

Every step toward something is a step away from something else.

It's understandable, then, that you would feel simultaneously happy (and anxious!) about proceeding with DE with all its possibilities, and sad about the door closing on having a genetic connection to your child.

Oh, to lead an unexamined (easy) life, huh?

Hugs to you on your hard day.

Babe* said...

Sending you lots of hugs.

lady in waiting said...

Belinda sounds great. Look, this is really emotional and it's going to be trying and make you cry at times. As much as you are certain that you are doing the right thing, there is probably going to be a sadness and hesitation that you feel by not using your own eggs. But I think it will pass, or at least lessen, as this cycle moves on and gets more exciting.
In the end, YOU are going to be the one having the baby!! And that's going to make you so happy you'll let the rest of the stuff go. Good luck!

Meg said...

Sorry you had such a hard time at the doc yesterday. I am happy things sound like they are moving right along though. Big hugs.


Frenchie said...

I can't think of anything amazing to say....just sending you lots of hugs. ((((()))))

Remember, when all is said and done, YOU ARE (will be soon!) THE MOMMY!

Drowned Girl said...

I think it's good you can articulate your sadness even amongst the optimism of moving forwards.

I don't think the door will ever close entirely on those regrets.

But I think being able to talk about them, will help.

Have you thought about some counselling to explore your feelings a bit further?


REBECCA said...

You don't know me, but I found your blog and several others off a friend's blog. I just wanted to send you some good thoughts and HUGS as you're going through this battle. I can just feel every emotion you write about as if I was going through it myself. I wish you the best for this cycle, and for everything to come. You'll be in my thoughts.


Geohde said...

Kami, I can't imagine how distressing this must all be for you.

hang in there.



Pamela Jeanne said...

From what you describe here, I'm sure I would have reacted in a very similar way. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you, Kami. How did the next appointment go?