Kind of a hard day

Yesterday was my first ultrasound and blood work appointment since Belinda started taking stims. It was kind of hard to go for that appointment. As per my usual, I got there late to avoid the wait and the other ladies who, I imagine, will have a baby - their own genetic baby - so much easier than me.

Shortly after I arrived to the nearly empty waiting room, Belinda came out of the scan room. It sounds like everything is going well so far and I enjoyed chatting with her until my name was called.

The interesting thing about my clinic is that they are very efficient when it comes to the morning ultrasounds. The scan room is sandwiched between two other examine rooms. One person goes into room A and gets undressed while someone else is having the ultrasound done. That person exits into room B to get dressed while the lady in room A enters the scan room. You could say it is an unfriendly way to do things, but I appreciate the time I have alone in my own little room.

Yesterday I really needed that time. I was so sad, scared, nervous - and a host of other emotions I don't even know I could describe if I wanted to. I was just trying not to cry. I opened the blinds on the window and let the morning sun soak into me as I contemplated the consequences of just getting dressed and going back home. Would they ask me to come back tomorrow or could I put it off for a few more days? In the end, I decided it would just make me look crazy so I steeled myself and walked into the exam room when they knocked.

I gave my best impression of Happy Kami and said hello to the doctor and the nurse as I settled myself into the stirrups. We exchanged a bit of small talk. The doctor checked out my uterus and said the lining was thin - which it should be at this point in the cycle. Then he said, "Ok, let's take a look at your ovaries." Oh. Do you think they heard my heart break as we looked at all those follicles that will never be aspirated? I closed my eyes and breathed to keep from crying.

Perhaps my RE noticed something because he asked, "How is everything else going?" "Fine," I replied. "How are you sleeping?" Ahh . . . there is a way to discover what "fine" might actually mean. I replied that some days were better than others and that "it has been hard." Then I asked him if he was confident we were doing the right thing. Yes, I was fishing for reassurance. I knew what he would likely say and I just wanted to hear it.

He didn't let me down. He said, "Yes. You can't know how things will turn out, but you can be certain you are doing the right thing." "Nice to hear, " I told him. It was nice to hear. I love that he used the word "certain". On the way out I asked him if he would keep reminding me that we are doing the right thing. He said he would and gave me a warm smile. He even squeezed my arm and told me to take care. Nice. Another bear hug (or at least his equivalent) from Dr. R. Have I mentioned I love the warm fuzzies?

Back in my own room again, I got dressed. Then I sat down and let the tears flow. It felt good to let it all out for a few moments. I was inclined to continue but I realized Belinda might notice that I had been crying and mistakenly think that I was upset about how things were going with her. I washed my face and went back to the waiting room.

Belinda was waiting for me and we chatted on the way out to our cars. She was so excited about things moving along. It was nice to let her enthusiasm wash over me. I feel like someone ought to be excited about this cycle. Ok, Brad is very excited. I guess I am glad that Belinda can be excited in my place. Only fair I guess since she is making the eggs too. Well . . . that is kind of a sad thought . . . I am glad she is excited and I am glad that we have such a wonderful person sharing this part of the journey with us.

Everything on the technical front seems to be moving along. Belinda had her meds upped a bit and when she asked why her nurse said, "You have lots of follicles, but we want them to grow a bit faster." My nurse told me that there were no concerns and "everything looks fine."

The next appointment for Belinda is tomorrow. I don't need to be back until Sunday, but I think I will join Belinda for her appointment. I hate the idea of not going back for five days. I hope it will be less sad.