Some good thoughts

I followed Mel's Friday Blog Round up to Miss Inconceivability and was inspired to blog some thoughts that came to me from reading this post. She talks about blogging about the negatives more often than the positives. It reminded me that I often do that as well. I might think about blogging after a good day, but I seem to not get around to it. So here is some positive thoughts from earlier in the weekend.

I have, at times, been very excited about this upcoming IVF. I mean VERY excited.

I realized the other day, after talking to a friend who has two babies via donor embryos, that I had a very hard time defending my position that it was a REALLY BIG DEAL that we were moving to donor eggs. I was talking to a woman who would understand where I was coming from, but it still seemed so shallow. As if no one else's genes could possible match my own. Smart enough? Nope! Pretty enough? Nope! That "special something"? Nope!

Keep in mind, I am not going to be winning any Nobel Prizes or beauty contests. I, ahem, do have that "special something" - just ask Brad, he'll tell you (stop him before starts listing my faults please). But everyone has something special and our child (if we are so fortunate to have one) will too.

The conversation continued and while I was trying to back away from "my genes are just the snizzle" my friend said, "Well, you can always try again with your own eggs." My first thought? "Oh, god, I can't go through that again." My heart just sank at the thought of it. I can't keep trying the same thing and expecting different results.

Why, then, was I so sad when I went with Belinda for her physical? Why was it that all I could think about was that we cared about her eggs and not mine? Didn't I already tell myself in this post that I had decided her eggs were my eggs? Maybe, I told myself, it is the reality of the IVF cycle. Maybe it is a control issue . . . needing to let Belinda take the lead, so to speak. Maybe these do play a part, but after talking to my friend about her donor embryo babies, something else occurred to me.

Perhaps, I am lamenting the loss of a genetic connection so that I don't have to face the fact that this might actually work. If I acknowledge that, I might get my hopes up and I desperately, desperately want to avoid more disappointment. I can't emphasize enough how much that scares me sometimes. I mean, if DE doesn't work, what will? Still, that knowledge does change things a bit. I know that I can survive crushing disappointment. I also know that it feels really good to be hopeful and excited. Why not choose hope?

So with that thought I have been quite excited and sometimes even hopeful. When I found out on Friday that our suppression check had been moved up from Thursday to Tuesday, I could barely stand the thought of getting through the weekend. I was on cloud nine all day on Friday. I allowed myself to imagine a positive beta, transitioning to my OB, giving birth, having a baby. I enjoyed our evening out with friends. It felt good to just be alive and together with people I cared about.

I was having such a great time, I didn't bother to tell anyone about it. I hope this post rectifies that a bit.

I did have a bit of a sad morning on Sunday. I was feeling the sadness and grief of losing Ernest, of our failed IVF cycles, of what could have been if things had gone differently. In the end I called Belinda because I knew her excitement of the upcoming cycle would rub off on me - which it did.

So . . . tomorrow is suppression check for both of us. If all looks good, Belinda will start the big drugs on Saturday. I will start estrace and baby aspirin (because of increased risk of preeclampsia with DE). Wish us luck!