Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I'm up, I'm down, I'm . . . neutral?

First of all thank you for all the wonderful comments to my last post. They were all so helpful. I mean that - for those of you worried that you were saying the wrong thing or that it wouldn't be well received. I feel so fortunate to have such a network of experience and understanding available. I have felt very peaceful about the whole thing the last couple of days.

I may not be the norm here, but I find that my moods surrounding TTC are either very positive (hopeful, excited, etc.) or quite negative (tired, anxious, scared). It is rare when I just feel something close to neutral. It is so rare that last night I couldn't figure out why I felt so odd until I noticed that the normal background anxiety was gone. I wasn't looking at the calendar 10 times a day recalculating the number of days until the next cycle starts. I wasn't lamenting the loss of my genetic connection. It was almost as if I wasn't TTC at all. Does anyone else have moments like this when you realize that most of the time your brain really is all about TTC with very little room for anything else? I'm not complaining, mind you, it was quite nice.

Now, back to our usual programming:

We have decided to us go with the generelix protocol. I realized that I am thinking about going with Belinda to her monitoring appointments so I am going to be there anyway if they need to monitor me more closely than if we went with the lupron. The next cycle update should be Thursday when Belinda gets her pre-cycle physical and we get the antral follicle count. (Please be an over achiever Belinda!) After that, nothing but the wait to the medication start date . . . not that I will be counting.


SULLY said...

I so feel like you do! Up down...all around. Then when "you" feel negative you "worry" that you have inadvertantely offended someone by being negative. Ok, at least I do :)

Right now were in a "break" SO I am exactly like you...negative...

Grad3 said...

I know what you mean about the roller coaster. That is exactly how it is. I am always amazed, that when I find myself in break, I don't know what to do with my extra spare time. Now I know, write a blog!

I am glad that you were able to find some comfortable quiet time... I am cheering Belinda's ovaries on :) Keep us posted!

Jill said...

Lupron gave me cysts... I'm glad you're doing the other stuff!

Fertilize Me said...

Yah for making a decision that you feel confident about!!! Sending overacheiving vibes for belinda

wifethereof said...

Sometimes I feel fine, other times depressed. My husband thinks I'm a little too obsessed but I want to see the finish line or light at the end of the tunnel and not a train coming in the other direction.

Good luck with the ganirelex and crossing my fingers for those follicles.

Meg said...

Good luck at the Docs for the antral follicle count. I am waiting for CD1 to start BCP's then I am off - I am going to keep it quiet on my blog though.

B said...

Hello Kami

I've been meaning to get over here for a while.

I understand the strangeness of feeling neutral. The suprise of having that thought that "hey I think that possibly I might be OK". I find it so wierd that it makes me really elated (and then back to the highs and lows).

Your sister in longing for a time when we are no longer on peoples prayer list! (although I am humbled by that attention I would rather not have it).

I just want to be (dare I say it) NORMAL.